Tina Fey Regina'ed Me

If you know me, you know that Tina Fey is my spirit animal. Tina Fey is an angel sent from the heavens. She is probably my top favorite person ever in the world. Tyler will laugh so loud at 30 Rock, he must pause the TV to regain semi-sanity, and then turn to me and say, "You are Tina Fey and Liz Lemon. When I read her book, I pictured you talking."

SHE'S JUST SO GREAT AND I FEEL A PERSONAL CONNECTION TO HER.

Over this past summer, I had a very unfortunate impromptu encounter with Tina that sent me into a spiraling depression and delusion state of mishap still to this day. My friend and I were randomly walking around the Upper West Side and PASSED her on the street walking her dog. While mid-panic attack, we began meandering down the street upon recognizing her. When we reached the end of the block, I felt a universal duty to say something because we'd been looking back at her walking in the same direction as us FAR too many times to make it acceptable without saying anything.

Below is a complete list of things I COULD HAVE said to Tina on the street:

1. Hello, how are you? How are you today?
2. I love 30 Rock! I'm very sad it ended.
3. I love Mean Girls! It's iconic cinematography of our time.
4. I love Saturday Night Live! I was at the episode you hosted recently.
5. I love ALL of your writing and you are my inspiration!
6. Very cute dog!
7. I go to school in Philadelphia for Entertainment Management!
8. I am currently working at your management company as a summer intern in NYC!
9. What are some upcoming projects you are working on?
10. How do I avoid the night cheese/cheese plate at parties?

What I actually said:

I  FIRST ASK TINA FEY IF SHE IS ACTUALLY TINA FEY. When she quietly replies, "Yes, I am." I unconsciously say, "OH MY GOD, I love you! OH MY GOD." And then I blacked out.

BUT THEN LATER SHE SAID, "Oh, I love your bracelets!" SYMBOLISM! Tina Fey wrote Mean Girls. I'm pretty sure she only said this to stop the awkwardness of the situation. SHE PROBABLY THOUGHT THEY WERE THE UGLIEST EFFING BRACELETS SHE HAD EVER SEEN.

Thus, TINA FEY REGINA'ED ME. AND I LOVED IT.

Even though she didn't say "I Love You" back, I could tell she felt the connection too.

Things That People Don't Understand That I Don't Understand

This post is dedicated to the people who don't understand what I do and the fact that I don't understand their reasoning. Below is a short list of 4 items that just don't make any goddamn sense!

1. Time

I don't understand when people, 90% of the time Tyler- my roommate, use the phrase, "10 of" when asked, "What time is it?" THIS DOES NOT HELP ME IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

I don't know what the time is, so how would I know what we are "10 of to"? When I ask you what time it is, that means I have no ROUNDABOUT IDEA of the current time. It could be 4pm or 4am, I wouldn't know the difference. HENCE ME ASKING.

Don't even get me started on Daylight Savings Time. WHY MOVE IT FORWARD WHEN WE WILL JUST MOVE IT BACK? FOR A LITTLE MORE LIGHT, REALLY? WHAT IS THE REAL TIME??

2. Weather

I've made a realization. It's the air conditioner's fault. First, my room is so cold that I can't get out of bed to try-to-decide-what-to-wear-for-20-mintues-then-end-up-wearing-the-same-outfit-as-yesterday. Second, It's so cold, that no matter what the temperature is outside, I dress for the weather in my room. WHICH MAKES SOME SENSE. Most days, I walk outside in jeans, boots, and a jacket in 60/70 degrees and curse myself all day for making this terrible decision. "But Christina, you checked the weather. Why are you still dressed for winter?"

Me at the weather. So much confusion.

3. Hypotheticals

This has somehow become a huge problem in my life this year. Probably because Tyler doesn't know how to talk without using hypothetical situations and analogues, and I cannot physically understand hypotheticals. My body will not allow me to pretend a situation had occurred. WHY would I be able to make up a situation in my head that never happened and think of what I would do if it has never happened before? I can say, "Well I would hope to do x, y, and z, BUT IT'S HARD TO SAY!" WHO AM I IN THIS EXAMPLE? DO I STILL LIKE CHEESE IN THIS HYPOTHETICAL LIFE?  WHAT IS GOING ON!

A verbatim conversation once had in our living room circa 2014:

Tyler: Pretend to not know what you already know about this situation and put yourself in his position without existing knowledge.

Me: But I literally already was in that position last year, and can't erase my memori-

Tyler: -So pretend you are him and you have a member who couldn't make the meetings, what would you do?

Me: Well what I did last year when this happened wa-

Tyler: NO!

Me: I CAN'T DO THIS.

The mystery still prevails.

4. Flash forwards

First of all, Tyler made me watch "Mob Wives" with him for the first time a couple months ago and it just so happened to be the season finale. So, I already had NO IDEA what was going on. Not to mention I couldn't understand what half of them were saying because of botox. WHAT IS BIG ANG EVER SAYING? The show is literally a reel of "upcoming" fights of alcohol being throw and old fake-tanned ladies crying. When a flash forward came on, I got even more confused than before BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M WATCHING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I just have lost the ability to even.

Blogging 101

To Whom It May Concern,

This is a letter to myself just incase I explode creating this blog. 

If you know anything about me you know that I have no perception of time. 

This MAN-MADE system has had me baffled since my early years as a child human. Even prompting me in 1st grade to get FULLY dressed the night before school, INCLUDING JEANS AND SNEAKERS, in an attempt to be on time the next day. 

(This plan failed because of the sneakers aspect, but you probably got that.)

Years later, I still have yet to grasp the idea of being on time. Mind you- I am Italian, and Italians are known for their tardiness. Probably because of the not-so-much-factored-in 10-minute "Catholic Guilt" trip/indecisiveness on just about everything before leaving the house. 

"Do I have to brush my hair for this?" 

Or-

"If it's in the 50's does that mean shorts and a jacket or pants and no jacket? What's the weather really going to be?" 

AND EVEN- 

"Do I have time to eat and brush my teeth or do I do them BOTH on the way?"

These questions remain unsolved in the universe.

Or maybe it's because I'm a woman, and we like to be fashionably late. However, I cannot use this excuse because of my frequently used "Roll and Go" system to class, or really anywhere. This is where you literally roll out of bed and just go.

(A portrait of me on a good day.)

Or maybe it's just because when I say, "I'm leaving" it actually means I'm waking up.

A friend once described the way I walk to class as "Someone who looks flustered trying to walk really fast, but since you are so small you don't really get anywhere." This is a great compliment, thank you.

The first step to anything is acceptance. I have accepted the fact that I will be late. But I'm hoping this blog can help me get my life together, be on time (because of the scheduling posts option) for at least one aspect in my life.

Peace and Love,
Tina