Things That People Don't Understand That I Don't Understand

This post is dedicated to the people who don't understand what I do and the fact that I don't understand their reasoning. Below is a short list of 4 items that just don't make any goddamn sense!

1. Time

I don't understand when people, 90% of the time Tyler- my roommate, use the phrase, "10 of" when asked, "What time is it?" THIS DOES NOT HELP ME IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

I don't know what the time is, so how would I know what we are "10 of to"? When I ask you what time it is, that means I have no ROUNDABOUT IDEA of the current time. It could be 4pm or 4am, I wouldn't know the difference. HENCE ME ASKING.

Don't even get me started on Daylight Savings Time. WHY MOVE IT FORWARD WHEN WE WILL JUST MOVE IT BACK? FOR A LITTLE MORE LIGHT, REALLY? WHAT IS THE REAL TIME??

2. Weather

I've made a realization. It's the air conditioner's fault. First, my room is so cold that I can't get out of bed to try-to-decide-what-to-wear-for-20-mintues-then-end-up-wearing-the-same-outfit-as-yesterday. Second, It's so cold, that no matter what the temperature is outside, I dress for the weather in my room. WHICH MAKES SOME SENSE. Most days, I walk outside in jeans, boots, and a jacket in 60/70 degrees and curse myself all day for making this terrible decision. "But Christina, you checked the weather. Why are you still dressed for winter?"

Me at the weather. So much confusion.

3. Hypotheticals

This has somehow become a huge problem in my life this year. Probably because Tyler doesn't know how to talk without using hypothetical situations and analogues, and I cannot physically understand hypotheticals. My body will not allow me to pretend a situation had occurred. WHY would I be able to make up a situation in my head that never happened and think of what I would do if it has never happened before? I can say, "Well I would hope to do x, y, and z, BUT IT'S HARD TO SAY!" WHO AM I IN THIS EXAMPLE? DO I STILL LIKE CHEESE IN THIS HYPOTHETICAL LIFE?  WHAT IS GOING ON!

A verbatim conversation once had in our living room circa 2014:

Tyler: Pretend to not know what you already know about this situation and put yourself in his position without existing knowledge.

Me: But I literally already was in that position last year, and can't erase my memori-

Tyler: -So pretend you are him and you have a member who couldn't make the meetings, what would you do?

Me: Well what I did last year when this happened wa-

Tyler: NO!

Me: I CAN'T DO THIS.

The mystery still prevails.

4. Flash forwards

First of all, Tyler made me watch "Mob Wives" with him for the first time a couple months ago and it just so happened to be the season finale. So, I already had NO IDEA what was going on. Not to mention I couldn't understand what half of them were saying because of botox. WHAT IS BIG ANG EVER SAYING? The show is literally a reel of "upcoming" fights of alcohol being throw and old fake-tanned ladies crying. When a flash forward came on, I got even more confused than before BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M WATCHING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I just have lost the ability to even.

Sam Smith Is Not Human

I am normally a late bird when it comes to getting into current artists in the Music Industry (see first post about lateness to understand). I recently came across the artist Sam Smith and am TRULY emotionally confused on his existence as a human being. 

I LITERALLY CANNOT EVEN. 

I'd like to explore 5 reasons why he cannot be real, only a projection of goodness to the world. Yet another way to make us believe perfection is achievable.

1. HIS VOICE. How does he make that beautiful sound from his mouth? He's kind of like the male version of Adele. His voice sounds like melting ice cream. Listen here to "Stay With Me".

2. HIS LYRICS. Absolutely Incredible. Let's just start with a comparison between a Sam Smith song vs. a current pop hit in the United States of America.

"Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith

Yes I do, I believe

That one day I will be, where I was

Right there, right next to you

And it's hard, the days just seem so dark

The moon, the stars, are nothing without you

Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?

No words can explain, the way I’m missing you 

The night, this emptiness, this hole that I’m inside 

These tears, they tell their own story

BRAVO, Sam!

"Wiggle" by Jason Derulo featuring Snoop Dogg

(Top 5th song in the United States on iTunes!!!)

I got one question

How do you fit all that in them jeans?

[Laughs]

You know what to do with that big fat butt

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
Just a ittle bittle

Or perhaps the Top 6th song in the United States.

"Turn Down For What" by DJ Snake

Fire up that loud

Another round of shots...

Turn down for what? [x5]

Turn down for what? [x5]

Fire up that loud

Another round of shots

Fire up that loud [x3]

Turn down for what? [x5]

Those are the FULL lyrics to "Turn Down For What". I feel like I do not need to explain why this is a problem.

3. HIS APPEAL. One word- Swoon.

4. THE FEELS. When I listen to his songs there are SO MANY FEELS. SO MANY EMOTIONS that I cannot handle them all at once. Sam Smith makes me feel happy, nostalgic, sensual, and ugly cry sad all at the same time. How does one deal with all of these emotions at once? Perhaps it's a satanic/alien action to corrupt life on Earth with feelings and emotions.

Lastly,

5. THE NAME. If you rearrange the letters of Sam Smith you get-

(JK! But you do get Sham Smit or I Am Mthss! Which are also evil sounding.)

All in all, this post is symbolic to the very name of this blog because Sam Smith's existence equals everyone's reaction, probably just mine, to be "I Literally Cannot Even".

(I do not work for Sam Smith's management, agency, or public relations team. But if any of you are reading this, I WOULD LIKE TO.)